By holding on, we convince ourselves that we can delay the suffering that everyone will feel if, or when, we let go.
This is one of the hard ones for me. I have never really been very good at letting go, nor am I so great at coping with being let go. This isn’t to say that I can’t let go, and sometimes I can walk away like whatever happened, never did. Yet, when I care for someone very deeply, I hold on…
..Even when I know something isn’t sustainable.
Even when my heart and mind knows better.
This can be detrimental. Not just for me, but to all of the other people connected to or invested in that relationship.
Whether intended or not, people can be hurt by the deception that comes from holding on when really, it is time to let go. At least let go of parts of it to say the least.
Children, for instance, are often quite aware that their parents are unhappy together and anytime your partner is being kept in the dark, pain is always just around the corner. By holding on, we convince ourselves that we can delay the suffering that everyone will feel if—or when—we let go. I have been a lover as long as I can remember and I have had a history of visiting very dark, solitary places when I have been let go.
Ever since my first heartbreak in the 7th grade, I have been one who wallows in the sorrow for a bit then, eventually, comes out of it okay.
The problem is that for the people around me— the ones who love me— my dark space can be a scary one.
Barring any real danger of self-harm or harming others, I actually recommend letting in all of the feelings. I choose to be in them. Stew in them, wholly.
As far as I can tell, the best way to get to the other side of something is through it.
I try not to be public about my stewing phase, ‘cause it can freak people out, or hurt people unintentionally. Sure, the occasional little slip here or there arises, but… I generally keep these thoughts to myself and retreat to my home and lead a more or less reclusive life. There are a few folks that know my signals and they show up right when I need them. It always helps to have people nearby who love and care for you. It is nice when some friends just stop in to say hi and then leave, or simply drop a line of text here and there to make sure that I’m keeping my head above water.
Now, “letting go” after being “let go” is a whole other level on the matter of this subject.
Simply put, there are always going to be some relationships that are far easier to let go of.
Others… Not so much.
Each one is and will be different. Sometimes it requires the ability to let go completely and no longer have that person in your life. If their presence doesn’t serve you in any way, you have to ask yourself: “Why are they still around?” “Why do I think that they might contribute something to my well being at all?” “Would knowing them help me climb to become the greatest person that I know myself to be?”
Then, there are the relationships that are so formative and intertwined into your being that there’s no way to truly let go of them. In those situations, you can only let go of your expectations. You can do what you can to establish that you want things to be good, but you must surrender control, you must surrender yourself to the idea that it is going to need to be flexible, non-binding, and something that will continually need to float in a way that isn’t going to keep you from moving forward with your life.
Releasing expectations can allow those relationships to transition into other things like platonic friendships, healthy co-parenting, support systems that are equally beneficial and a whole list of other manifestations, I’m sure. But usually, this shift only occurs when given time. While is it inherent to outsiders to simply say “suck it up! Get through it.” It often doesn’t do any good when you are allowing yourself to go through the process necessary to climb out of what it is that you are attempting to feel. Yet, gladly, there’s light on the other side or some tough-love shit we’ve all heard before. But what good would that do?
All I can tell you is sometimes, it’s clear when you need to let go entirely. Others times, you couldn’t see it if it was laying on your eyeballs because there isn’t any real harm in continuing on a path that isn’t romantic, or isn’t as open. These can be difficult things to navigate through. Being open in your communication and simply asking questions is a good way to get to the point where you might be able to determine what will be best for you.
In the end, it is important to try to be as self-aware as possible as you venture through, in, and out of love. If you say something that doesn’t sit right with you, and it wasn’t entirely damaging- be sure to go back and clarify yourself. At the same time, be aware of your partner and their needs. Be honest with them and yourself- always.
Really think about just how sustainable any situation is for you and for them.
It can be good to sit and ask yourself the hard questions. It is important to have the capacity to listen to the answers that come, no matter how much they may put you in a place you don’t want to be.
We don’t always want what we need or need what we want.
No one wants to be the one who gets told to “kick rocks,” so it is almost entirely built into our human nature to always fight that.
So… let it simply be said:
Sometimes, you just need to kick rocks for our own mental health as much as for the person who needs us to be gone (and vice-versa and such).
Trust me, having been there, I can confirm that that shit stings. But I know at the end of the day that I will survive, as you will survive. Some people will say you’re stronger for it, and with reluctance… I can’t really go that far all the time. However, I can say that it is entirely possible to survive and to love another day. Timing is everything. Be patient with yourself. Heal the wounds. Explore what you can change about your outlook. Learn new things and be a better person in the end.
So far, this writing has been from the perspective of someone who is currently going through the thick of re-defining himself again. I’m sure most of it will continue to be a long journey, and it will be something that isn’t entirely up to me to decide in the end. Right now, however, all I can do is speak my mind and hope that there are others out there who need to hear it.
Certainly there is a lot more on this I could write about, but my mind is drawing a blank as the need for some coffee is distracting me from finding a clear path to the next topic…. So, I’m going to post this with the last message that I think would benefit us all for anything that we can put into the future self that we work on:
If you find yourself with someone new, or in a re-kindled relationship from the past, or anything in between, simply love them as they are, have amazing sex, communicate with intention, but most importantly take care of yourself, be patient, be present minded, be open to change.
letting go of being let go of was originally published on ::ALPHAHIPPIE::